mormon influencers got me feeling some type of way

and they're right: I can leave the church but I can't leave it alone

LDS influencers are suddenly…everywhere. Just when my instagram consumption was on the decline (go me!), summer mode ramped it right up. Now every time I dare to scroll, it seems the algorithm wants to play cruel games, serving me up some highly triggering sh*t. Like: here ya go, Linds. Right at the peak of your healing, enjoy these twenty-something Utah girlies sharing modest fashion and their perfect testimonies like it’s their full-time job! (Oh wait…guess it is nowadays???)

The massive amount of apologist content being pumped out right now is dizzying. When did all this become a thing??

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Tug-of-War

When a pretty mormon face pops up in my feed, it’s immediately a game of internal tug-of-war. I so badly want to look away, but instead it’s oh no, what’s she gonna say while my stomach twists in knots. Bonus points if she’s holding up the new sleeveless garment top. Literal torture.

It’s a sick, twisted cycle of: click, watch with horror, get super fired up and full of rage as my nervous system goes in full-on fight-or-flight mode, scroll past because I’m trying to practice self-restraint even though the petty side of me wants nothing more than to comment something snarky, and then finally, put my phone down because I feel drained and depleted, like a hopeless little rag doll.

And then, repeat.

Why, one may ask, am I wasting precious seconds of my life giving these women views when I vehemently disagree with nearly everything they are defending? Since my niche is focused on deconstructing and healing post-mormonism, I *should* be on the trajectory of letting go, moving on. Unbothered and unaffected, right?

These are valid questions, ones these influencers love to throw at those of us who have left, questions that I wish could elicit tidy answers.

Just like, keep scrolling, no??

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Mmmmm…no. Not That Easy.

This is where all those tips from my faith transition coach come in handy. I can picture her lovingly reminding me to practice self-compassion by placing my hand on my heart and saying to myself in between deep breaths: Of course I am curious about what they are saying.

Of course I feel triggered.

Of course I find myself being pulled back into mormon land, bewildered by what it’s become.

Of course I feel frustrated about not being able to move on from it.

Of course I feel pangs of shame, guilt, jealousy, anger and confusion when I see these influencers profiting off of the thing that simultaneously shaped and hurt me for 35 years.

It makes so much sense that I feel so let down watching these women confidently (and at times, condescendingly) pontificate about their certainty, as if that’s the grand prize of life that they’ve already earned at the ripe age of 27, so unconsciously upholding the patriarchy.

Of course of course of course.

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Stop Raining On My Parade

When I consider the church as a corporation—as I do now—none of this is surprising. It’s just smart marketing tactics, right?

Watch out though, lest you share your discomfort about these influencers being paid to bear their testimonies and promote the church, ‘cause there’s a good chance you’ll be met with fire and brimstone and a lot of well duh the church pays us for our time or I totally do this for free, as if either of those responses makes it feel less icky. Ask me how I know.

Okay, I’ll tell you. First and foremost, I do NOT engage with these influencers. However, last week amidst some drama surrounding a church marketing email that was accidentally sent to an ex-mormon woman, I felt compelled to comment on her reel and share my unease around the whole ordeal. She kindly responded, agreeing. Because, solidarity.

Then, in came the fiercely defensive apologist accusing me of wanting the church to be evil SO BAD.

Um, no, and also…who asked you?!

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A Church I Don’t Recognize

Those of us who have left the church intimately understand the urgent need to defend it at all costs. Criticism of the institution most definitely feels like a personal attack. For this reason, I try to extend grace.

But then again, my defense of the church was never broadcast in front of thousands while I pranced and twirled around in a sleeveless romper and urged my followers to comment LINKS below!

And can you imagine an agency reaching out to any one of us on behalf of the church, providing us with a list of testimony-bearing do’s-and-dont’s (like don’t say mormon!), asking what our prices are? I’m sorry, WUT. It all feels so performative.

So foreign.

This is why when the influencer girlies get fired up about what they perceive as criticism from the (apparently) bitchy, miserable ex-mormon women simply lamenting, I want to shout: THESE COMMENTS AREN’T FOR YOU! THEY’RE FOR US!

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Photo by Charlotte Knight on Unsplash

In other words, LET. US. GRIEVE. In peace.

Because underneath our so-called contempt…is deep, aching, even excruciating grief. There are thousands of us who feel saddened and betrayed by the thing that we built our lives around (for free).

And we most definitely never had the luxury of showing our shoulders while doing all that free labor, so yeah—there’s a little extra salt on the wound.

Of course our nervous systems are activated by these women and the now-exposed marketing strategies they are utilizing, because we never saw the church as a business. Maybe we were just naive, and the crushing disappointment we feel is the inevitable result of coming to terms with a truth that was there all along.

HoW sIlLy Of Us To NoT hAvE sEeN tHiS.

Additionally, for some of us who started to wake up during the sudden surge of outspoken LDS feminists flooding the internet with conversations about Heavenly Mother, we felt hopeful in being part of a movement that was bigger than us, excited that the tides were turning.

Maybe this thing that was hurting us but also that we loved so much was not a just an extension of patriarchal capitalism after all. Maybe we could make it better! Maybe we could finally start to gain equality and add value! And then we could actually exist inside of the church feeling like whole people, not just appendages. This religion that taught us integrity, choice and accountability and countless other values was surely worth fighting for…

Back then it was difficult to imagine that in the year 2025 we would be witnessing this eruption of beautiful, young and seemingly confident mormon women gaining traction in defending one of the richest, most patriarchal religious institutions in the world, all while their comment sections buzz with validation and bank accounts swell.

For some of us, it’s a total gut punch, and the feelings of defeat are overwhelming.

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And so…

If you feel triggered like me, let me remind you how entirely wrapped up our hearts, minds, souls and nervous systems were in this institution for decades. Because our brains and bodies were colonized, the process of reclaiming ourselves is no easy feat. So is it any wonder that we struggle to fully release ourselves from the church’s patriarchal grip?

For me, I guess that includes being unable to shield my eyes from the cringey reels the LDS influencers are cooking up like pancakes. Trust me, I wish I could switch off my past and dismiss the trauma that still lives in every nook and cranny of my being.

These women will most likely never understand the horrible, torturous hold they have on me. You can’t know pain that you’ve never felt, especially when you’ve been trained to see that pain as a threat to your identity and happiness.

And to be fair, a lot of these women did not grow up during peak purity culture, did not experience the intense shame in showing their shoulders, are used to seeing nuanced takes and maybe even have their own.

They grew up in what sometimes seems like an entirely different church.

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The Universal Problem

I imagine the women who sacrificed everything to practice polygamy just for it to be eradicated might have felt some type of way, too.

As they watched the next generation growing up free from this painful doctrine that they had to twist their brains and hearts into pretzels in order to accept and make sense of, might they also have felt intense pangs of envy? Confusion? Anger?

Were they ever met with empathy and validation? Or was their anguished past just obliterated, never to be spoken of again? Did they hear a lot of well god said so; it’s a changing church after all…?

The burning question that nobody is asking is: Where is the accountability?

I think the most enraging part of patriarchy, especially in the mormon church, is that the men in charge who are making the rules get a free pass, while the women have to take it up with each other. We can’t be mad at god, and we surely can’t be upset with the prophets who are simply speaking for god, so where is our rage supposed to go?

Well, if you’re a good woman, you don’t feel any rage. But in case you do feel anger, it almost always gets directed at other women, because deep down we all know that we are powerless to effect change.

Trust me—nobody sees through the bullshit like an ex-mormon woman.

And so, the back-and-forth snark, vitriol and blame is continuously spewed between believers and non-believers on the interwebs, while the church proudly sits on their billions.

Just call me Cynical Sally.

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I See You

This one’s for the girls who know they are being gaslit and are calling it out.

We recognize the imbalances of power.

We are pissed at the women upholding the patriarchy while also understanding the complexity of it all. Both/and.

We are aware that we grew up in a DIFFERENT CHURCH than these gen-z influencers. They don’t understand, but we do.

So when they make remarks about us being bitter feminists intent on tearing down christ’s true church, we know what they really mean to say is, “we are regurgitating what we’ve been trained to say, and we actually have no clue what you went through.” Because that’s what it is—ignorance.

Will their knowing smirks eventually disappear when they live a little more life, experience a little more heartbreak, feel the sting of betrayal?

Will they be able to offer a bit more grace when the realities and complexities of life wear them down a bit? When they become familiar with the agonizing feeling of being shunned, or watch a child go through an excruciating faith crisis?

Will they one day cozy up to doubt or eventually see through the facade?

Maybe, maybe not.

All I know is sometimes I feel like the bitter ex-wife watching the shiny, new girlfriend enjoy her new-and-improved man, the one *I* trained. And I got screwed over while she takes the credit.

It can feel so heavy and confusing, like we’re going back in time. But while the shockwaves of apologist and trad-wife culture ripple through the zeitgeist, we can’t let it all make us feel crazy. We must acknowledge and honor our grief, stand in our truth, and keep shining the lights that we were born with.

At the end of the day, these influencers got nothing on us. If you’re a badass who deconstructed purity culture, mormonism and the patriarchy, you are one of the real ones, and you deserve to heal. Like helloooo, that’s an insanely hard thing to do! So give yourself a pat on the back.

And maybe stay off social media too. That helps immensely. ;)

In love, snark and solidarity-